Crumpled Up Paper, Blue Razors and Pink Pens

So long my blog

2005-09-18T14:52:00.000Z

Hi everyone! I've decided to try a different type of electronic journal!

Here is my new home. "Weird Girl Productions I will be sending an email out to remind you all again. Take care!

The feeling of blah

2005-08-27T20:51:00.000Z

You ever get those moments where your brain is just dead? Not dead where your like "Dee Dee Dee". But dead where your brain is just exhausted? Will vacation really clear my mind or will it just hinder and stop it for the time being? Should I take a hiatus from the world around me? Or am I just completely psychotic and inane to that which surrounds me?

please

2005-08-10T23:13:00.000Z

I NEED MENTAL HUGS!!!!!!!

My Chemical Romance!

2005-07-28T01:49:00.000Z

I love this song. I also love Helena. You can hear it on my myspace account. There should be a little clicky thing on the side. Go listen!

Video code provided by Music Video Codes

Ego much?

2005-07-26T00:50:00.000Z

[1] NAME: Marian

[2] BIRTHDAY: July 6

[3] HEIGHT: 5' 2"

[4] SHOE SIZE: 7.5

[5] EYE COLOR: Brown

[6] HAIR COLOR: at the moment its brownish, er with some grey and blonde

[7] DONE DRUGS: once...

[8] BEEN ON STAGE: yes

[9] HAD SEX: yup...

[10] BEEN DUMPED: yep

[11] GOTTEN INTO AN ACCIDENT: yup

[12] EATEN AN ENTIRE BOX OF SWEETS: no! gross!

[13] DYED YOUR HAIR: been a while

[14] CHOKED IN FRONT OF SOMEONE?: ya, took them a while to help me out.

[15] WENT TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PJ'S: ha ha ! Ya!

[16] GOTTEN DETENTION: yup... all the time

[17] LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT MADE YOU CRY: yessss....happens a lot

[18] DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW: Yup

[19] DO THEY KNOW: uh huh

[20] WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: taller than me, supportive, sexy, make me laugh, cute, don't judge me negatively

[21] DO YOU HAVE FAITH IN THE COMMON MAN: as opposed to what?

[22] COLD / HOT: hot

[23] BLACK / WHITE: black

[24] RAIN / SNOW: rain!!!!!!!!!

[25] GIVE / RECEIVE: recieve

[26] WOOL / COTTON: cotton--wool is itchy

[27] ROSE / DAISY: DAISY!!

[28] PRIVATE / PUBLIC SCHOOL: public schools

[29] PLAIN / CHOCOLATE MILK: chocolate milk! YUM

[30] HISTORY / SCIENCE: History

[31] MATH / ENGLISH: English! I dont mind english at all and math is EVIL, ya ya I know "but you're an accountant!"

[32] SPRING / FALL: WINTER

[33] ROCK / COUNTRY: Rock...Country Sucks Balls!

[34] PEPSI / COKE: Sprite

[35] LOVE / LUST: depends on the person.

[36] EAT / SLEEP: I don't do enough of either!

--------------------------------FRIENDS-------------------------------------

(37) WHO DO YOU SEE THE MOST? Gerry...then again I live with him!

[38] WHO DO YOU WISH TO SEE MORE OFTEN: You. Roxy!!

[39] WHO DO YOU E-MAIL THE MOST: I don't email. I IM, and that's ALex, Clare, Jay, Brian, Thalia!! etc.

[40] WHO'S THE LOUDEST: ME!

[41] WHO'S THE SHYEST: uhhh a lot of my friends are shy (not to me but around people they dont know)

[42] WHO ARE YOU JEALOUS OF: no one at the moment. It'll happen at random times.

[43] WHO GOTS THE BEST ROOM: not sure.

[44] WHO'S THE HORNYEST: Joey

[45] WHO DO YOU TRUST THE MOST: Alex, Brian, Amy, and Jay..and oh ya.. the rest of yoous

[46] WHO KNOWS YOU THE BEST: Aundy, Marisol, Nani, and Julie!

[47] WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND(s): Marisol, Aundy, Nani, Julie, Ruben..etc.

[48] WHO DO YOU HAVE SERIOUS TALKS WITH: how serious?

[49] WHO GETS ALONG W/ YOUR PARENTS: Nani! I think she is the only one they have liked fully!

[50] WHO HUGGED YOU THE MOST: Marisol!!

[51] WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST: Aundy and Alex!

[52] FOUGHT W/ YOU THE MOST: You know who.

[53] WHO ARGUES W/ YOU THE MOST: You know who

[54] FAVORITE FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Ruben! Benjamin! Gerry <3! Alex ;)

[55] IS MOST LIKELY TO BECOME A MODEL: Roxy! Nani!

[56] HAVE KNOWN YOU THE LONGEST: Nani (16 years) and Aundy (18)

[57] DO YOU KNOW MOST ABOUT? uh?

----------------------DO YOU LIKE TO:---------------------------------------

[58] GIVE HUGS: yes!! I do to Gerry!

[59] GIVE BACK RUBS: yup! I don't like to get them

[60] TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN: it makes me smile

[61] WATCH TV? No, It has to be something really interesting

[62] GO TO THE BEACH: oh hell ya

[63] DO HOMEWORK: HAHAHA... I bring my work home, does that count?

[64] PLAY IN THE SNOW: use to..when I lived in Arkansas.

[65] WORK OUT: nope. I masturbate, that's about the only workout I do.

[66] TALK ON THE PHONE: oh yes. I'll talk to a stranger anytime

[67] STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKIN TO A FRIEND: YES!!

[68] GO ONLINE: uh duh! I live online!

[69] BEEN KISSED: mmmhmmmmmm

[70] DO WEIRD / FREAKY THINGS: What like ask for spankings? Ya.

[71] BE WILD: usually around people I'm comfortable with

--------------------HAVE YOU EVER:----------------------------------

[72] BEEN TO A CONCERT: yes!

[73] BEEN OUT OF STATE: it's been a while

[74] GONE SKINNY DIPPING? yup! and the train was right behind her house. The driver and all the workers were trying to peer over the fence! lol

[75] RAN ROUND NAKED: in my house! ;)

[76] BROKEN A BONE: nope

[77] CHEATED ON A TEST: yup! Better yet had some girl take my test for me, while I was in class!

[78] RAN A MARATHON: uh no

[79] MET A FAMOUS PERSON: yup

[80] BOUGHT SOMETHING AND SOLD IT: nope

81] STOLE FROM SOMEWHERE: yes

[82] STALKED SOMEONE: yes. I'm watching you

---------------------------YOUR LOVE LIFE:----------------------------------

[83] SINGLE OR TAKEN: taken.

[84] IF YOU WERE TO GO OUT WITH ANYONE, WHO: Gerry. Duh. :ninja:

[85] EVER HAD ONE NIGHT STAND: nope

[86] LONGEST RELATIONSHIP: 5 years

[87] LAST PERSON YOU KISSED: Gerry

---------------------------EXTRA EXTRA:---------------------------------------

[88] BAD HABITS: I pick at my arms and I fake yawn

[89] MAKES YOU MAD: people that don't get a clue, and those that keep pushing me away

[90] SCARIEST MOMENTS: not gonna tell

[91] WHERE WERE YOU: in my head

[92] ARE YOU WEARIN ANY JEWLERY? a necklace I made with Clickts, a bracelet, a nike watch, earrings, and oh ya...my belly ring with a hanging fairy!

[93] LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED? um next question please

[94] WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR PANTS: BLACK

[95] WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENIN TO RIGHT NOW: Helena by My Chemical Romance! I love it!

[96] LAST THING YOU SAID: Sure

[97] COMPUTER DESK IS MADE OF: Wood and Metal

[98] LAST THING YOU ATE: graham cracker

[99] WHAT YOU REALLY WANNA DO RIGHT NOW: go home and sleep, and call my friends up

[100] WHAT COLOR OF CRAYON WOULD YOU WANNA BE: a mixed color, pink with dark grey

I stole this from Roxy <3

2005-07-22T12:36:00.000Z

Ya, I stole this from Roxy! Beautiful girl! Knew her since she was 9, now she is 17! Wow! She is such an awesome, fun, and wonderful girl! Am I kissing her ass, not in the slightest, "it ain't bragging if its the truth!"

First highlight the questions, then copy, when you click the comment button, paste and the questions should appear! Just fill in your answers. DONT BE SHY!!

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out?

13. Emotionally, what stands out?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

17. Am I loveable?

18. How long have you known me?

19. Describe me in one word.

20. What was your first impression?

21. Do you still think that way about me now?

22. What do you think my weakness is?

23. Do you think I'll get married?

24. What makes me happy?

25. What makes me sad?

26. What reminds you of me?

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?

28. How well do you know me?

29. When's the last time you saw me?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

31. Do you think I could kill someone?

32. Have we ever had sex?

33. Do you miss me?

34. Do you think i miss you?

35. Are you going to put this on your SITE and see what I say about you?

Anything but Ordinary

2005-07-15T22:52:00.000Z

My birthday wasn't all that exciting. It was pretty boring, I appreciated all the phone calls from everyone and the Board wishes were spectacular as well. Ha! I got to use the word.. "Spectacular"!

Work is the same..except now I've stopped whining about it. It actually gets better when you stop resisting!

Ok as you can see the title of this entry is Anything but Ordinary. It's actually a song written by Avril Lavigne that I stumbled across.

My favorite part of the lyrics would have to be Verse 1 and 2!

"Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive"

The first time I heard these words, I thought to myself, OMG this sounds just like who I am!

" I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please."

Finally a song where I can be truely weird!! I am a lone freak no longer!!

My dear friend Alex is sick! Awww, bless his heart, (yes, I still got a bit of Southern in me) I always hope that he is feeling better. I miss him.

I also called my other friend Brian. He also has been under the weather lately. I was chatting with him on IM and it looked like he really needed a friend so I turned to Gerry and told him that I was gonna call Brian.

I must have been in a talkative mood because I ended up calling Joey at his work. He's a DJ and began doing his Jack Nicholson/Christian Slater impression while we were talking. Gerry got a kick out that conversation because while talking with Joey I got pumped! It was a bunch of YA! and Hahhahaha! through out the conversation.

Speaking of calling and talking, I finally spoke with Marisol! I absolutely love it when I call my friends from a long period of abscence and they are truely happy to hear from me. That makes me feel good inside.

I also got to hear from Julie! I miss her so much! I haven't even gone to Denny's with her so that we can have some Spicy Orange Herbal Tea! Perhaps she, Claudia and I can go this weekend. *ahem* Hint Hint *ahem*

Also..I got a new cat! She is pure black with short hair and a fluffy tail! Her name is Shadow, no I didn't name her this, it was already given to her. Mya does not like her at all. Mya has been mad at us for 2 days already. Such a teenager she is! Shadow hid under the bed the first night, but with some gentle coaxing has actually come out into the opening. She is more affectionate than Mya, but I love Mya in her own way.

My Birthday!!

2005-07-06T13:26:00.000Z

It's my 27th Birthday!!

I will post later and tell you all how everything went!!

4th of July...is here again

2005-07-04T11:07:00.000Z

It's exactly 10:56AM and I am bored out of my freaking mind. I am sitting my ass here at the computer and browsing 5 of the 14 forums I belong to. The other 9 I just lurk and post in a blue moon. What's a forum? It's a message board but broken down into various topics. My favorite is TJNR why? I don't know mainly because the people there are pretty cool, except for one person, I was about to put something derogatory but I won't. No need for it, he doesn't like me for whatever personal reasons and so I just let him be. I still don't have a cell phone so if you are trying to reach me I apologize, however, I did pay the bill this past Friday. Hopefully by tommorrow my phone will have service again.

In two more days it will be my 27th birthday, two days after that will be Josh's 21st Birthday, and following 3 days after that will be my dad's 51st(?) birthday. I keep saying that I am going to visit them. I need to, I miss them. They (read: my mother)are probably upset with me since now that I am out of the house I really don't communicate with them. Hell, when I was in the house, I didn't communicate much either, so this is probably torture.

I am a bit peeved as well, on June 20th I dropped off some pictures at the HEB Photolab and they freaking lost my pictures. So, now I'm doing a trace on them. Hopefully they will find them. I really wanted to see how the pics would come out,the film came from a disposable black and white camera.

Anyways, Happy 4th of July to all! You know I love you, hugs!!

You can't be ugly! Be pretty!

2005-06-29T10:49:00.000Z

I can hear my brother Josh already. "Marian, you are so corny!" Yes, I am.

I just realized that I truely am my horoscope sign. I am a crab. "Tough" on the outside and soft on the inside.

I got all emotional today because I realized that I am actually a sweet person, nice, caring. All that super sickening sweet stuff. Yes, I'm rude and obnoxious at moments, but really I am this being that you would just want to protect and take care of. So, I've been told.

On to other "emo" things!!

There is a quote from the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" that really hit home.

"When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too."

I still feel like that from time to time. I still feel like I'm this ugly thing. But then there are days that I am looking in the mirror,and I see this beautiful young woman staring back at me.

Sigh... maybe tommorrow I will feel better.

2005-06-20T06:30:00.000Z

ummm this cant be good...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Back hurts I leaned against the wall

2005-06-18T07:00:00.000Z

Nothing but random thoughts. I am not even sure if this intro is even coherant. It's 6:53 AM, stupid body clock. I've been awake since 5:30, tired as hell but yet my body and mind are awake. So who is tired? Me...Marian.

Finally moved offices! Now we are on another side of the building, its about 1/2 mile away. My back is fucking killing me. No one helped us and we were just girls. Okay, I take that back,we were helped what oh ...once. On the net I harbor for attention in real life I hate it.

Hallway. I'm pushing a chair (with lots of different size boxes, binders, and calculators) and the new JA (junior accountant) is helping to keep everthing balanced. Guys with hardhats, sweating, looking to be about our age. Keep staring, smiling at each other. Walking with us. WTF?! Me annoyed trying to push through, trying to get away. JA relaxed, smiling. I think. She plays it off well. Them asking if we want help, hmm I think to myself sure, I dont turn down an offer to help, tired of trying to keep this stuff balanced.

I take the chair and walk quickly to the room. Fuckers just giggle like little girls and dump the stuff on the table. They tell me bye, I keep looking at my binders. Ya thanks I say.

Then they leave. Nice way of helping fucktards. Oh that could have been my fault...

What am I thinking?

2005-06-09T13:30:00.000Z

me
Originally uploaded by Contemplater.

Okay, so I am here sitting down at my desk and I was just thinking about how I have not even updated this site. I have contacted Aundy (the move went well!) but I forgot to tell her that she can contribute to this blog as well! Work is okay, they have hired a new accountant to assist me. She is a junior accountant and is still in the processing phase. I'll put up a front here and say that I think this is all fine and dandy. True friends know that this is actually making me a bit nervous. I don't know I'll stay on my toes, I'm finding myself doing things that I said that I wouldn't. I'm not much for competition but for some reason I'm not gonna give it a chance to get to that point. I've been more focused and am pushing harder than ever to stay on top of things.

How is everyone doing? I still need to get my Gameboy Advance back from Nani. I miss that little toy of mine. *tear*

I went to Walmart and bought a new book. It was called A Girl's guide to Hunting and Fishing. So far I have only read 5 pages, its from the point of view of a young girl and she is speaking about her brother and his new girlfriend. I'll tell you how the rest goes later.

I'll edit this later. Lunch Break is over and I need to get back to work.

Love n Miss!!

hello.. I think I just drank from someone else's glass!

2005-05-25T05:29:00.000Z

Morning all.. it's 5:13 AM. I went to sleep earlier than my usual time. Was feeling all out of sorts. But I am okay now...for the moment. As you can see on the side panel I have added Aundy as a contributor to this site. She is in the process of moving so I hope that that goes well for her.

Thank you to all of those that contacted me in regards to my emoness the other day.

They are finally expanding our highway from being 2 lanes to 3 lanes so traffic is hell during certain parts of the day. I keep forgetting to bring my camera to take pictures of it. Speaking of pictures I went out with Julie and Claudia the other day, we took a few pictures while at Chili's.

I was telling Julie that for my really closest bestest friends that I have known for so long I do not have any pictures of you all!

I have a few of Nani from when she was in Junior High!! Hahahaha! Remember the red lipstick? Beautiful darling!!

I have Liz's pics of when she was 16. I could steal the ones from Hi5 you know.

I don't have any of Ruben. *wink* He could give me one if he wanted to. Since he is considered to be one of my closest friends and he hasn't even called to say hi as of late. AHEM!!

For Aundy I have a few new ones that she sent me recently. All on comp though! I would like to take some pics of her when I get a chance to visit her!

Marisol I have no clue if I have any pictures! I could have sworn we took some one time!

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. and have decided to work on this site. Perhaps add pictures or something. I don't know. There are a few sites I visit on occassion that I will put as favorite links. I just need to learn the HTML code for it. If you would like me to plug your site, send me a link button. I'd put it up in a heart beat. Any publication is good publication I always say!

I don't know maybe someone who knows this stuff can help. Ahem.

Hey if you're in Brownsville and you get a chance visit Dolce. It's a really nice restaurant, patio and bar located on 1805 E. Ruben Torres Blvd.

I need some OJ so I will talk to you peeps later!!

Thinking Style!!

2005-05-23T14:36:00.000Z

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights.
You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details.

An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path.
You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Experimenting

You're all about looking at the facts, and you could always use more of them.
You see life as your lab - and you're always trying out new things, people, and ideas.

The master of mix and match, you're always coming up with unique combinations.
You are good at getting a group to reach consensus.

What's Your Thinking Style?

2005-05-21T09:03:00.000Z

I am absolutely brooding!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Borrowed from J-Mah that Stole from Pang that stole for Foxy

2005-05-21T03:46:00.000Z

(x) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) slept with more than 15 people
( ) been called a slut
( ) had a one night stand
( ) slept with someone you don't even know their name

(x) seen someone die
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) been moshing at a concert
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
(x) gone roller skating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed penis in class (what?! It was a sex ed class!)
(x) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
( ) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
( ) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn't take a shower for a week :O
(x) picked and ate an apple
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are too scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) pushed someone into a pool or been pushed with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
(x) caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly...
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you.
(x) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked.
(x) French braided someone's hair
(x) gone skinny dipping

...

2005-05-14T17:00:00.000Z

"The tears I might have shed
for your dark fate,
Grow cold and turn to tears
of hate! " - Christine, Phantom of the Opera

That's a very strong verse, I just realized it. I don't know what happened. Silence will consume me, numb out everything. Move on, be strong. Work is ...what it is.

I give too much to everyone. Where are my needs? They don't matter. Why does it matter? Some of the people I am friends with will be nice to me and that will draw me to them, but then turn around and start accusing me, abusing me, causing me pain. Start calling me names, you know who you are. You've done it so many times. Threatening me, why would you do that? What do I mean by that?

Why would he be so upset? Someone told him something or he read what was put incorrectly. It's in his head now. He is hurt, his heart hurts. I hold back, it's my protection. It protects me from pain. From this confusion.

words are not very flowy... Be strong. I don't want to talk... I don't know what to say. I'm so confused. I feel pain, it squeezes my heart. I feel alone. Be strong.

A broken carousel, pretty to look at, fun to ride, just jumps the tracks to hard, causes a pain when it jolts.

Pressured to Oblivion

2005-05-03T18:45:00.000Z

" hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
i hear my voice
i hear my voice
and it's been HERE silent all these years
i've been here silent all these years
silent all these
silent all these years" --Silent all these years, Tori Amos

Life... interesting concept. I am not sure where it is going but I'm like a duck; "cool, collected" on the outside but "pedalling like hell under water". A lot of pressure has been given to me from work as of late. I however have a goal in regards to all of this. Not to benefit myself business wise but more of an ability/priviledge to visit my friend Aundy. I have been so unmotivated. I stare at my desk and just wonder where my life is heading.

I have always been told what to do, to think, to wear, and how to behave.

"she's been everybody else's girl
maybe one day she'll be her own
everybody else's girl
maybe one day she'll be her own" -- Girl, Tori Amos

Maybe, I'm not sure. I have always "rebeled" out on occasions. Sigh, enough emo shit. I hate being emo, I feel so unaccomplished. I hate having to explain my actions to people. I don't think its anyone's business whether I want to eat a donut or not. Or if it's anyone's business if I become antisocial or not. Why is it a concern? I am fine. Can I not have moments to myself? Or is this considered too deceitful? I am deceitful, its not even funny. Hell I should grow my bangs out to hide the horns that are coming out of my forehead. (insert SARCASM)

My slave hours have altered from the norm slave hours of 8 to 5 TO 8 to 7. Come on Marian! Goal = Operation: Visit Aundy at End of May. I haven't even purchased the airline ticket!! Dammit!! So much pressure.

I still have to train Janie, she is a good person, I can tell she is trying, but I don't think my harried frustrations are really helping matters. I can't do and teach things at the same time.

My online life has become well good and bad. I am still posting (more like postwhoring) and whatnot. But I have become a bit antisocial there as well. Or I will attempt to chat to everyone, but am only able to respond minimally. Of course, my best friend Aundy and other friend Tammy chats have precedence over anyone elses.

Ahh, so my sleeping pattern has completely fucked up er screwed up. I will sleep for about an hour and a half, wake up, stay awake for 30 minutes to an hour, go back to sleep, then wake up in 15 minute intervals. I am thinking about buying Tylenol PM or Nyquil; something to truely knock myself out.

I wish there was a service at the hospital that a person could request to be put into comatose state for a couple of days. I wonder if I would feel truely rested after that? It's hard for me to sleep lately also because I'm worried about work. All I think about is work. Sigh...(insert exasperated emo moment).

I have come to realize that there are different types of smart. I use to be book smart but I have slacked off a lot. I use to be street smart but although that is still there I have stopped caring. I know I shouldn't think that way but meh, I could care less. I still don't trust everyone, not what they are doing or who they are with and all that nonsense but more in my selfishness.

I had opened up recently to someone. That was too deep for me. So like a turtle I've retracted back into my shell. It's safer in here. Sorry if I pulled away. I am not gonna come back out of this shell. I won't tolerate being questioned about my motives or my actions. I don't even know what they are so how can I explain them to someone else?

When I was younger my mother said that I use to just stare at her, grab the plates from the table and start breaking them. She said that she would yell at me and ask me Why did I do that? I would shrug my shoulders and say I don't know, I just felt like doing it. I would get spankings, I would cry (as expected) and just go on.

Growing up I always (still do) feel that this is just a dream.

Anyways... Back to Hell, er I mean work.

100 things about me!!

2005-04-08T17:03:00.000Z

I saw this on some other sites, so I thought I'd give it a try!! Feel Free to leave a comment and post some (or lol all) of your 100 things about yourself!!

1. I try to treat people like I'd like to be treated.
2. I am a very independent young woman who doesn't always trust those around her.
3. Call it bad experiences if you will.
4. My brother and I learned to become independent from a very young age.
5. I know who my true friends are... they are the ones that know I don't always have to talk to them and who show up when I need them to and vice versa.
6. I am sweet but can become feisty at times.
7. When I’m feisty I start to say and do crazy things.
8. I hate when people repeat themselves within the same sentence.
9. I hate when people talk to me while I’m reading or working.
10. I get nervous and run away when relationships that get too close for comfort.
11. Gerry has been the only one to fully understand that.
12. I laugh at the cruelest things, and cry at the corniest.
13. I cry when I'm angry.
14. I'm angry when I'm sad.
15. I love to dance.
16. I'm addicted to Forums
17. I have over 100 online friends... Who I talk to a lot!
18. I like hardcore porn! Ya! I'm a girl!
19. I love to masturbate.
20. I fall in love easily at times.
21. I admire my own body and face.
22. I am modestly vain.
23. I am self-centered at times.
24. I'm not competitive when it comes to games.
25. I'm a mother hen to all of my closest friends.
26. I can fall asleep anywhere.
27. I can wake up faster than anyone.
28. I can look beautiful in seconds...just by smiling.
29. I have short attention span.
30. I get bored easily.
31. I usually get manipulated easily and when I come to realize that I've been had, I start to have an inner anger that broods inside.
32. I'm a disorganized organized person. I.E. I put some files away, the file had a label and was color coordinated, when the time came to retrieve the file it took me hours to find it, because I didn't remember that I had put it away in the first place!!
33. Although I don't look or dress gothic, I have a dark side, I love Emily Strange, It's Happy Bunny, Marilyn Manson, Korn, Linkin Park, Darth Vader... etc.
34. I use to play classical piano at the age of 6 to 9.
35. I am teaching myself how to play again.
36. I have always wanted to be an actress or singer...someone big in the entertainment field.
37. Although when I am around friends I talk a lot, sometimes I love to be quiet.
38. I can't hide my feelings; my face always gives it away.
39. To get away from sadness I put up a cold front.
40. I know that I haven’t fully blossomed spiritually.
41. I can block curses. Either that or I've stopped letting them get to me!
42. I don't believe in a certain religion, but I know God hears me.
43. I have been to a nude beach when I was younger.
44. I am a silent traveler. I don't contact family or friends when I'm gone.
45. I have been to Germany, Corsica (Island belongs to France), Great Britain, Mexico, Nevada, Georgia, Arkansas, Colorado, Texas, Florida, Tennessee, Mississippi, Missouri, and Louisiana.
46. I like to express moments in my life with song. And will find or hear songs on radio that matches that exact feeling associated with it.
47. I never take people's words or opinions on others; I usually have to find out on my own.
48. I’m a tedious shopper; it will usually take me from 3 hours to 4 days to purchase something.
49. I prefer working with men than women. This is because I have had the opportunity to experience both, men will get pissed off, yell at you, make you cry, and then act like nothing. Women on the other hand, will get pissed off at you and put you in silence solitary until you beg for forgiveness.
50. I was the youngest purchaser in the market at the age of 20. (ONLY FIFTY MORE!!)
51. I do not have an accountant personality; I’m more of a PR or Sales person personality.
52. It takes a lot for me to not like someone.
53. When I’m angry about something I can cool down in 2 minutes.
54. I believe that everything happens for a reason no matter if good or bad comes out from it.
55. I like flirting with girls and guys.
56. I love to give hugs; people (guys and girls) have felt comfortable hugging me that they will stay over 30 seconds.
57. I hate when I’m sitting in a restaurant and people reach over my plate to grab something.
58. I have bitten many arms that have done that.
59. When I eat out; I don’t like empty plates on the table that I am eating at.
60. I have actually gotten said plates and took them to the restaurant kitchen.
61. I love animals.
62. Cats are highly favored in my book! Ferrets come second!
63. I believe I was once a cat in a former life.
64. I believe in reincarnation. I feel that I must have been a man prior to this life.
65. That doesn’t mean I am a lesbian.
66. I cuss a lot. I make my father blush.
67. I don’t like cigarette smoke.
68. I tried smoking once, quit because I use to work in a 200 square foot office and about 5 guys came in to discuss some things for a project and began smoking…. Let’s just say that I became so nauseous that it helped me quit.
69. I have an excellent relationship with my brother.
70. I admire him at times.
71. I would protect him at all costs if necessary.
72. I hate suicide or anyone that has committed it successfully. I tried it once, I failed, obviously.
73. I am against abortion.
74. Saw my first abortion film when I was 16.
75. I cried for days.
76. If I cry for a long period of time, I will force myself to cut it off.
77. I block out things easily. Sometimes in my head I will replay them but then I block them again.
78. I adapt to change easily.
79. I have been in the presence of people connected to celebrity or to very rich families (read: Millions) and have been accepted.
80. I don’t get jealous easily.
81. My jealousy is covered by crude sarcasm.
82. I love coffee and will drink it up to 12 times in one day!
83. I am very low maintenance.
84. I don’t sweat easily.
85. I don’t take showers everyday.
86. My skin smells fresh up to 2 days.
87. My hair is beautiful when not washed.
88. I still have some of my highlights from 2004.
89. They were never retouched.
90. I love anime/Manga, this is because of Gerry.
91. Favorite animes/Mangas are Love Hina, Dragon Ball Z GT, Trigun, Inuyasha, FLCL, Cromatie High, Final Fantasy Series, Sailor Moon, and Full Metal Alchemist.
92. The longest my hair has been has been below my butt, the shortest was a spiky pixie cut.
93. I wish everyday that my hair was long again.
94. I am addicted to my game boy.
95. I have over 20 games…and counting…
96. I like to write a lot, but at times have been lazy so a lot of thoughts are lost.
97. When I’m not talking, I’m thinking, and that can be very scary for some at times.
98. I do not like to be controlled.
99. My parents have never really controlled me fully.
100. If I get the slightest hint that a guy is trying to control me I will cut him off until I feel like coming back.

blank in the membrane

2005-04-02T15:01:00.000Z

I have no idea what to write about. I seem to be ...well blank at the moment. I have this annoying headache and I just ate a McGriddle from McDonalds but ended up almost gagging on it. Yeah sorry that wasn't very pleasant. At the current moment I am at work, waiting for the CFO to arrive so that I may sign some documents and take off. I am really just wanting to go home and postwhore on TJNR. A few days back I have been really depressed to the point where I was thinking of just curling up and sleeping forever. But God sent me a blessing in disguise, one day my boss calls me into his office, and he starts telling me that the joint venture is going to grow fast. Love it, now I will have my mind focused on something other than my own soap opera!! Anyways, I need to go pay some bills online so I will post another day real soon!!

hands clasped

2005-03-14T05:40:00.000Z

I sit here with me hands clasped (as if though in innocent prayer), fingers straight, my chin resting slightly on the middle fingertip. So many thoughts crowd my head. Some pass and go through the filter of the outside world. Glancing at the computer clock I grimace at the thought that it is already 9:40 pm. A heavy sigh escapes my mouth for I know that tommorrow I will be going back to work. I'm sorry but its not easy to do 5 projects that would probably take months to actually finish in 5 minutes. Every minute I am being asked if the projects are done. Calmly with a smile but with a devilish thought internal I repeat over and over that the project is being processed and that results are to be arriving as soon as possible. Enough about work. My apartment is cute. Cute in the sense that its a one bedroom, one bathroom, a laundry room, kitchenette, living room , and former dining room converted to computer area. I like it here. I have this calm sense about me which has been anxiously waiting since I was 11. Yes, at 11 I wanted to be on my own. I could lie to you and say that I have no idea why I would have those desires at such a young age. But God and those very few people close to me understand why I had those thoughts of moving out at such a young age. There are still boxes everywhere, today after a week, Gerry has found our toenail clippers. My mother in law came to visit today and after a week of searching has found my measuring spoons and measuring cups. Lord only knows what other treasure I will find once I go through other boxes.

My eyes stay focused on a napkin that I have brought home from Lotus Court (Restuarant). Scribbled across it are various names of family members on my mother's side. I still need to talk to my grandparents to see what names they can give me from their own family sides. This piece of paper though insignificant to some is for me is the only known current documentation to half of my bloodline. I found my Uncle Dale (my biological father's brother) and proceeded to ask him some questions about our family. Didn't really get far with him but I will try with my other uncle later.

Good night.

Bday

2005-02-27T03:27:00.000Z

Today is Gerry's B-day! I got him a tres leches cake (homemade) and I didnt get him a present because I had already bought him Grand Theft Auto San Andreas a couple of weeks ago. Oh ! Also an Inuyasha keychain and an ATHF patch. Ya I give great gifts not really but I try. Had to fucking work today sucks cuz I'm not even finished. To be honest I really couldn't concentrate. Has some things I needed to sort out. Im okay now I know I will be. So anyways we couldnt do much for Gerry's B-day today cuz it was raining out and we really wanted to do some barbecue.

no clue

2005-02-22T00:59:00.000Z

I have no clue on what I can write about at this time. Left work today at about 12:15 since I was not feeling well. *whispers* Yeah, it's that time again. I'm glad that it happened today because last night would have been gross. TMI? (That stands for "Too Much Information") Yeah. Sorry.

Saw Ruben Guerrero, Jr at the mall the other day. Unfortunantly, it was a run-by-kiss-on-the-cheek-talking-on-his-cell-phone greeting, nonetheless... Hi Ruben!! You still haven't answered my email about what I had asked you in regards to you know what.

Eight more days until we move to our 1st apartment!! I am getting a little nervous but it is something that we have been wanting for so long.

Okay, I'm starting to bore myself. See you all around.

Matamoros

2005-02-21T03:37:00.000Z

Yesterday, I went to the general practitioner in Matamoras, Mexico. Why you ask? Because it was covered by Keppel AmFELS and because it was, the only place that I could find that did blood work, urine work, physical, and Pap smear (that is where my nether region is looked at and examined). Oh, come on! I can hear all you guys out there yelling "Gross!” Get over it, pretty soon you will be having little tests (AKA Prostate exams) of your own.

I will admit I was a little scared, since I do not really speak any Spanish. Yeah, I know, I should of learned, I should have learned. Mais, Francais c'est tres bon, no? Anyways, I will find out my results on the 28th, which are 2 days after Gerry's 22nd birthday and a day before we move into our apartment.

I'll see you all around.

Off the face of the earth

2005-02-18T07:12:00.000Z

In case I may have dropped off the face of the earth for most of you let me bring you up to par. Currently, I am working at Keppel AmFELS (An Offshore Rigbuilding Business) as a welder. The long days and hot sun have burned my skin pretty bad. I smell of oil and can't seem to wash the tar from my hands.

Yeah, right. I wouldn't last a minute up there! Seriously, I am an accountant for a partner company of Amfels called Keppel Offshore & Marine. It's a little stressful because I'm still learning everything. Although, I feel a little bored. Perhaps I am not being challenged enough? Whatever the case I know that I have to hang in there.

Only, 12 more days until Gerry and I move into our own apartment and I must admit that the anticipation is driving me nuts!! It's going to be here in the same complex only it will be just the two of us. We were living with his parents which I will admit was pretty cool but we just felt it was time that we made it on our own. Gerry has said that we should throw a party, which I think is a great idea as long as I can get everyone to bring something.

I have signed up on this forum website called http://www.thatsjustnotright.com . Let me warn you, when you go in, you have to go to the newbie intros and put a decent introduction of yourself. If not they get pissed off and ban you for 3 days or more. It's brutal but it can also be fun.

It's about 10:03 and Family Guy is on. All I want to do is watch my Adult Swim Toons, lay down, and eventually doze off.

Goodnight!

End of the Year

2004-12-31T06:34:00.000Z

It is the end of the year. My best friend Adriana AKA Nani is back from New York. It is pretty hard for me to type since I'm at the moment past buzzing. Thank God I have not brought my car! I am drinking a lot of wine! The time is about 11:12! I am still at Amfels and being an accoutant is awesome!! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!! by the way. Tonight I have made a new *friend* <-- *usually said when not sure* her name is Ruby. She is pretty cool I see a lot of myself in her. To be honest I was a littly sceptical when Nani told me that she was coming over as well. It's normal. But now that I have had the opportunity to talk to her. I must admit it's pretty awesome. I am still with Gerry in case some of you out there are just curious. I love him and that's that. The other day Gerry asked me when I would like kids. I told him well whenever you are ready. Personally it doesn't matter, I am content with myself. Silence. Then he says, "How about the year after next?" Perfect I say and think. Gerry and I want to get married next year. My brother knows...I think but I am not sure. Gerry's parents know for sure. I still have to get the guts to tell mine. I still have to go through everything. The Baptism (long story short my mom lost my baptism certificate) the CCD, and the first communion, My love and I would like to get married in St. Mary's Catholic Church. Well. Hopefully I won't be so lazy and actually update this fucking site. Of course it will change. Be prepared!! Loves it!!

Moment of Silence

2004-09-11T14:41:00.000Z

Okay... moment of silence... *3 minutes later* Well this morning I woke up at 3 am. Why? I don't know, well actually its because I had to go pee but the bathroom was occupied. So then I started reading Gerry's Maxim. That magazine is pretty cool, I use to read it when I was at home, my brother gets the subscription as well. Right now Milla Jovovich is on the front cover. I bought another magazine called Lucky and sure enough she is there too. Today Gerry had to go to work so I am basically spent my time on the computer and I went to the mall with his sister and her daughter. It was fun and nice to walk in the stores with someone rather than by myself. It's so boring like that. Hmm it has been a while since I last wrote so hears the news. I no longer work at IBC. No longer am I complaining... and wishing for a chance to use my degree. Now I can... I now work at Amfels... as a welder. No Im kidding... as an Accounting Executive. Wow... that sounds cool. K people I will talk to ya later.

Marisol

2004-08-08T23:32:00.000Z

Not much has happened.. On Friday I went to Marisol's new apartment so that was pretty cool. We watched Blazing Saddles with her boyfriend Raymond and her sister Judy. On Saturday I met up with Julie and we went to go see Collateral. It was a pretty cool movie however I didnt think much of the ending. Claudia came by IBC on Saturday as well and I opened an account for her husband. Her kids are really cute. Today I had to work and that really sucked.... blah! *30 second interlude* Just saw this commercial on Fox..."Trading Spouses" I think Dave Chappelle made fun of that show on one of his shows. Right now I am watching Simple Life 2, which is pretty funny. Talk to ya later!!

OFF

2004-08-04T05:31:00.000Z

Today I'm off from work. At this exact moment I'm sitting at the computer typing this entry while Mya (my cat) lays on my towel that is thrown haphazardly on the floor. Gerry sits on the bed watching MTV. He has today off as well. I love it when we have the same days off because we can spend our time together. Gerry plays with Mya as I look at them. Smiling on the outside & also in the inside. Oh my god was that so cute that you wanted to puke? Good!! Cause this feeling is so wonderful!! Today, Gerry & I also went to the movies & watched Harold & Kumar go to White Castle. It was so funny & no I've never been a stoner to enjoy it's jokes. Gerry bought me this really cute pink miniskirt that I need to figure out what shirt to wear with it. What really sucks is that tommorrow (Wednesday) I have to go back to work! Gerry went out with his co-workers & has asked me to please get off the computer for just a little while. Lately I've been on because I'm totally addicted to Neopets & am starting to slowly read this other site called Thatsjustnotright (FUBAR).

My Vacation

2004-07-15T00:28:00.000Z

Hello! So far, I'm really enjoying my vacation! I get so sad knowing that I have to return to work soon. I hate it. Yesterday, I was going over some of my old entries & was remembering certain events. Like when I first pierced my belly or when my nieces came & lived with us for a while. Speaking of nieces today is Melady's Birthday! She's 5 now. Are there ever times when you wish you could just stop being completely responsible & do nothing but sleep or drive? Sometimes I wish I never started working in the first place. I did not have 1 single bill before I started working. Then I started working at the University & was tricked into getting a credit card. Soon 1 credit card morphed into 3. Then I got a damn car, which although tiny in size I could of still had it... if I knew how to take care of it properly. Let us just say that I learned the hard way that you NEED to change the oil of the car occasionally. The car I am speaking of is not "The Bitch". (For those of you who do not know what I am talking about..."The Bitch" is my 97 Dodge Neon. This car died on me in the middle of Central Blvd in Oct. 2002.) No, at one time I use to have a '90 convertible Geo Metro. That car was so small! I remember this one time I got a speeding ticket & almost died laughing! That's like giving someone in a golf cart a speeding ticket. Thank goodness, I now have my 2000 Chevy Malibu, which Gerry helps me take care of. I added my good friend Elizabeth’s website as a link. This girl is very smart & original. I can't believe she is already married. I honestly can't remember when it was the last time I saw her. Today Gerry & I went to the McAllen La Plaza Mall. It was nice walking into all the stores & such. Of course, I really do not like to go & buy just whatever. Well, we just got back and I am beat. Ciao!

No Hard Feelings

2004-07-09T05:27:00.000Z

Okay the sixth was my birthday, today on the eighth is Josh's Birthday and on the 11th is my father's birthday. I am currently here with my family at the house. Josh naturally is asleep. For dinner tonight, we plan to go to Lin's Chinese Buffet. I have never been there before but it is probably similar to any other Chinese Buffet. Okay that was very boring. At the bank, my slave job is Sales Associate. I open and sell different products of the bank to potential customers. My family is going to New York, Boston, Philadelphia, & various other places. I definitely want a souvenir from one of these places. Mya is great! She is as beautiful as ever. Okay well as usual I am blank. *Stares around room* Wait, hold on who ever left me that private message in May *shrugs shoulders* Stop being so sensitive. I have been busy with work. Sometimes I am not in the mood to chat online People that are truly my closest friends know this of me. So no hard feelings and wipe your tears.

Your ex-friends

2004-04-01T06:11:00.000Z

Let us see...
"All of your ex-friends"? This was left in my guestbook in private mode. What is that suppose to mean? You all got together and decided to leave me a note? How many ex-friends do I have? Geesh I have been so busy I have not had time to update my site! lol! As they say in Hawaii NO Worries!! I have been staying with my boyfriend a lot more. I love falling asleep next to him while he holds me. I feel so comfortable and safe. Our "little girl" Mya can be a bit hyperactive at times but she always gives a lot of love. As usual, Work sucks and has forced me to start looking elsewhere. Believe you me with my schedule it is difficult. However, I believe that I deserve better. Apparently, I am also addicted to coffee and consume about 5 cups on a daily basis. I still come visit my family from time to time because even though I am less and less around I do miss them. My brother however is usually asleep when I come to the house that is because he works and parties so late. Oh I absolutely love Happy Bunny!! Happy bunny is a bit rude but it has my sense of sarcasm in mind! Well I'm drawing a blank so I'm going to end here!! Peace and do not be stupid! I love you Bunky!!

My own Answers

2004-03-28T06:09:00.000Z

Hey everyone! Alis gets married tomorrow, unfortunately I do not have a ride. I will call her tonight and wish her the best. The job search has not really gotten me anywhere. Anyways I was surfing the web and found the following questions on this one website. Enjoy... the answers are of course my own.
[x] The shoes you wore today: white and blue Roxy tennis shoes
[x] your eyes: dark brown
[x] your fears: losing the people, I am close to
-----------------DO YOU------------------
[x] Smoke: not anymore
[x] Cuss: frequently, more so than normal
[x] Do you think you've been in love?: am currently so
[x] Want to go to college: maybe later I already received my bachelor's
[x] Want to get married: right now I really don't care. I got my life ahead of me.
[x] Type with your fingers on the right keys: yep
[x] Believe in yourself: yes
[x] Get motion sickness: omg yes
[x] Think you're a health freak: no
[x] Get along with your parents: now i do
[x] Like thunderstorms: love 'em as much as I love the rain
[x] Play an instrument: piano, oboe (use to)
------------IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU----------
[x] Gone to the mall: almost everyday
[x] Eaten sushi: yes! yum!
[x] Dyed your hair: yes last month
[x] Stolen anything: yes unintentionally I have a slight clepto problems with pens
-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
[x] Missed school because it was raining?: no. school's better with rain
[x] Played a game that required removal of clothing?: no
[x] Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: not lately
[x] Liked playing monopoly?: no! boring!
[x] Been called a tease: jokingly yea
[x] Gotten beaten up? nope
[x] Been in a fight: verbal yes physical no
-----------------THE FUTURE------------------
[x] Age you hope to be married: right now i don't care. i really don't know.
[x] Numbers and Names of Children: 2 ..Aragon and Adel
[x] Describe your Dream Wedding: simple and intimate.
[x] How do you want to die?: in my sleep
[x] What do you want to be when you grow up?: well since I'm already grown up... anything that will make me rich without much effort
[x] What country would you most like to visit?: Germany
-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
[x] Number of kisses you've given: to Gerry? too many to count
[x] Number of drugs taken illegally: 1
[x] Number of people I could trust with my life: 3 or 4
[x] Number of CDs that I own: 4 pathetic i know
[x] Number of piercing: 3!one in each ear and one in belly
[x] Number of tattoos: none...yet
[x] Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: a couple
[x] Number of scars on my body: maybe around 3
[x] Number of things in my past that I regret: a couple...
----------------FAVORITES------------------
[x] Shampoo: Fructis
[x] Fav Color(s): BLUE, Yellow, Red
[x] Day/Night: day for summer, otherwise night
[x] Summer/Winter: summer!!!!
[x] Lace or Satin: lace
[x] Fave Cartoon Character: none
[x] Fave Food: pasta and breadsticks.... stupid italian genes
[x] Fave Movies: Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet, Gothika, PIRATES of the Carribean, , Matrix,
[x] Fave sport: Skateboarding and Surfing
----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
[x] Wearing: uhh. *looks down* Red Tilt Shirt with Ducky Seeking Ducky logo, American Eagle lowrise jeans, blue nike watch, roxy tennisshoes
[x] Drinking: Hawaiin Punch
[x] Thinking about: how i cant type with the stupid keyboard on this stupid keyboard drawer
[x] Listening to: the postal service-Such Great Heights
--------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
[x] Cried: yes. felt sick in the morning
[x] Worn jeans: yea
[x] Met someone new online: yea..
[x] Done laundry: no!
[x] Drove a car: how else do i get around?
[x] Talked on the phone: yup called Gerry to see how he was.

Okay well I am getting really tired so I'm gonna go take a nap.

Love you bunky!

Highlights

2004-03-01T06:08:00.000Z

There have been No entries for this month. However, I will highlight a few things...
1. Gerry and I celebrated 1 year together
2. I finally received my diploma in the mail.
3. Gerry celebrated his 21st birthday!
4. Gerry and I celebrate our 2nd Valentines Day!
5. Two of my friends are pregnant!
6. I highlighted my hair and EVERYONE loved it!

New Year

2004-01-12T02:07:00.000Z

Yay! A new year has arrived. I have decided to pursue becoming a teacher. Perhaps I could become a teacher of elementary or junior high. I would not want to be a high school teacher because although I have the benefits of looking young I really doubt that I would have respect that I deserve. Well, maybe I would but I would probably have to work hard for it. Gerry and I are doing great! Awww, I can still feel the love just like in the beginning! Just to think that next month will already be 1 year! Wow! Gerry is still sweet and still snuggles and cuddles with me. I get so comfortable whenever I am snuggling/cuddling with him, it’s as if though I just drank 4 glasses of wine. In regards to work, BLAH! I am still in Customer Service (which has its up moments) and still deal with those damn Check Cards. It is actually not the check cards that I am upset with but rather the MasterCard Processing Service Center. They never seem to get the order out on time and if it is, is done incorrectly. Gerry however is one of the supervisors at the Sunrise Mall Bank. I am so proud of him. Recently, I have made a new friend. She was actually one of Gerry's friends first. Her name is Audria and she is cool. She reminds me of me only that she is younger. She is taller me than I am which is to say that I am a midget of about 3 feet. I wear a bright red hat that is pointy and is referred to as Gnome. My baby (cat) is sick. Well she is not sick but she is in heat. On Tuesday, she will get surgery to be spayed. My baby has been screaming every night. It is a little odd but I read that this behavior while in heat is normal.

I miss my nieces like crazy! I pray that they are doing well and are playing fun games in the snow!

Early Christmas

2003-12-26T01:06:00.000Z

On December 24, 2003, I celebrated Christmas early with Gerry and his family. His brother, sisters, their respective spouses and children, and his mother and father were there. His Aunt and Uncle also showed up. I do not know why but I felt shy around his aunt and uncle. Perhaps I was just a little tired. It was so fun to see all the kids excitedly opening their presents. My Christmas gift from Gerry is a Gameboy Advance SP. Right now, I only have one game, but this one game comes with five classic games Ms. Pacman, Galaga, Galaxian, DigDug, and Pole Position. I love it! Yea I know I am not really a game person but this tiny console has me hooked. As for my other gifts, I got this red sweater from my parents. It is Angora so it can be itchy. I will wear it when it gets colder. My parents also gave me this bath set. This set is lavender scented and comes with Bath Salts, Foot Soak, Body Balm, Body Soufflé, Body Lotion, incense, Shower Gel, Foaming Bath soap, Massage Soap Bar, a back scrubber and foot scrubber. I tried it out today. Let us just say that my skin is smooth and smells great. I even burned the incense! The other wonderful gift that I got was from my brother Josh. I received a $50 gift certificate from Dillard's. I want to use it wisely, so that I have to use it when there are sales. I hope that everyone's Christmas went really well.
I
DID
IT!
I am so happy! I finally did it! I, Marian Agnes Trudo, am going to receive my Bachelor's in Business Administration in Accounting after waiting for so long. For so long I felt depressed, desperately waiting for my moment. Now it has finally arrived. Gone are the days of the pressure, gone are the days of wanting to give up. Here now are the days of finally being able to breathe. I mean this in the school sense. I have already been able to breathe in another aspect when Gerry entered my life.
On Wednesday, Gerry and I went to go see Lord of The Rings: the Return of the King at the movies at Sunrise. That was an excellent movie! I cried on the one part where Aragorn tells Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin, "My friends... you bow to no one." Then everyone bowed to the hobbits.

Well, I am stoked but I really do not have much to say. I want to wish everyone out there a merry Christmas!! God Bless You All!!

Gerry, I love you.

My Belly

2003-09-22T05:05:00.000Z

Guess what I did!?!?! *giggles* I pierced my belly! Gerry was there with me and to be honest it did not even hurt. Well, it did for about five seconds! Felt as if I was getting a shot in my stomach. I was not even nervous until that last few minutes before actually getting it done. I was looking at the person who was going to pierce me, I asked if I should watch him what he was doing or look away, and he, just looks at me and says, "It's not that bad". First, he cleaned the naval area with alcohol and iodine. Afterwards, he marked the entrance and exit areas with a purple pen. Next, he took out his clamps, got the needle, a cork of some sort, and popped the barbell through. It is cute. I like it. In addition, Gerry got his eyebrow pierced; unfortunately, I do not have a picture of it to put on here yet. However, I like it and I think it is cute. Of course, he has to wear a stupid retainer at work. Honestly, he should be allowed to wear what the fuck he feels like. He is not evil or troublesome. He is of course a wonderful boyfriend with a huge caring heart. Gerry is super intelligent, funny and silly. He keeps the mystery alive in our relationship. He makes me smile when I am pouting and just being around him makes me giggle. Sometimes I act all mad around him, but it does not last long because I am not mad around him in the first place. Just because someone gets a tattoo or a piercing of some sort, society labels him or her as wrong, weird and/or malicious. I just want everyone to know that now that I have my piercing I have killed two people, robbed 4 stores, stolen from my parents and have gone on wild chases with cops in tow. ALL FROM THE POWER OF MY EVIL PIERCING! I am kidding people, same old Marian still here. Just now with a belly piercing. GERRY!! I love you so damn much. 'nuff said! The second week Gerry had to go back to work so I stayed home and just relaxed a bit. I had a lot of time to cuddle and take catnaps with Mya.

Vacation

2003-08-19T05:03:00.000Z

Gerry and I have already gone on vacation for this year and let me say that it was great! For the first week of my vacation, Gerry, his friend and I went up to Dallas. It took me a total of 8 hours and 30 minutes to drive from Brownsville to Dallas of which the last 30 minutes or so was driven by Steve. I just could not stay awake any longer, was actually falling asleep on the highway. Speaking of the highway in Dallas it seemed so confusing. Anyways, while there we went to Medieval Times, University of Arlington, The Galleria Mall, and Sixth Floor Museum. Medieval Times is the 14th Century Castle that has knights battling against one another. We sat in the green knight section. I am proud to say that our knight won! (Better explanation: If you have ever seen Cable Guy with Jim Carey, it is the part where he and Mathew Broderick go to see the battle of the knights.) The Sixth Floor Museum was very interesting because it had the history of the assassination of President Kennedy. On the seventh floor were art pieces from Andrew Warhol. It was his art in contribution to Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Overall, we had fun! Of course, we did not come back empty handed. I am proud to say that Gerry and I now have a cute kitty cat named Mya. She is so sweet; she gives me kitty kisses and loves having her belly rubbed. Her birthday is April 15, TAX day!

Happy B-day Melady!

2003-07-15T05:02:00.000Z

First, I would just like to say Happy Birthday to my niece Melady! To go along with this I have some very exciting news! She and my other little niece Desere will be coming down to stay with us for a while. I have not seen Melady in quite awhile and this will be the first time that we will meet little Desere. Last Saturday I went to Graham Central Station with Marisol and another Friend of hers, Stephanie. Stephanie was cool. Anyways, the coolest thing happened because Stephanie and I were approached by Entertainment. So they began to film us, and it was cool. I was dancing with Stephanie and I was like "What if, we're here all dancing really cool and think that it’s something for clubs when it’s really for 'LESBIANS OF AMERICA AND THEIR NIGHTLY OUTINGS'?" She and I were laughing so hard, not that I have anything against lesbians awww you had to be there. Went to the movies with Julie, went to go see Legally Blond 2. It is a good movie if you look past the airheadness that Elle would sometimes fall into from time to time. My favorite quote of the movie: "Elle: So speak up, America. Speak up for the home of the brave. Speak up for the land of the gift with purchase. Speak up, America!” I had so much fun! Well, everyone it’s getting late so I need to try to go to sleep.
Gerry:
I just want you to know that I think that you are the best boyfriend! You are so sweet and so loving to me! QEOUW!! I love you sweetie!

Wow! I am now 25!

2003-07-11T05:01:00.000Z

Is that cool or what? Anyways, welcome to another exciting page of Marian's Thoughts. My birthday was great! Because of July 4, it felt like I was celebrating for 3 days. Oh and my birthday fell on the sixth. For those of you that called me to wish me happy birthday thank you. I apologize for not calling you back. Be patient I will... *SMILE*. On Friday went to go see "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" Cool Movie! I just Love the Angels! They are so cool! The part of the film that I especially loved was the part of the "Coal Races" with all the dirt bikes! That was AWESOME! On Saturday I went up to McAllen with Marisol *one of my best friends* and Judy *her sister*. We went to this club called Graham Central Station. It was cool; this club had these different dance rooms. The one that we were in played "Old School"; there was also a Salsa room, Country, and Rap. For my birthday, my family took me out to eat at Olive Garden. It was nice! The salad there is so yummy!
Gerry: Hi! I just wanted to say that I love you! Moreover, that I am thinking of you always. You are so good to me!

Oh my!

2003-07-04T05:00:00.000Z

There are only three more days until it is my birthday! Hmmm what do I want for my birthday? I do not know... it does not matter. A little acknowledgement is always nice! I have included a guestbook for you all to sign and just give me your feedback! This week has been nice and I guess I am just too caught up on my birthday coming up!
Gerry: Hi, my love! Just wanted to tell you hello and that I am thinking of you. Love you sweetie! I look forward to your kiss and hugs.

It's almost here!!

2003-06-27T04:59:00.000Z

The fourth of July, my birthday is on the sixth, my brother's and then my dad's. Then soon after comes my little niece's birthday!! How fun!! How exciting!! You cannot imagine how much I love birthdays!! *claps hands gleefully* Last week Gerry went to Laredo on a business trip...*Tear* I missed him so much. I missed hugging him and kissing him. I missed looking at those adorably long eyelashes of his. I missed the way he smells, so clean and fresh and I missed scratching his head. I missed the way he looks at me with loving eyes and sticks his tongue out at me. I was so happy when he came back. I rushed right over once I got his voicemail (I had the phone downstairs on the charger) and was so happy that I hugged him once I saw him.
Gerry: Hi my love! I love you so much. You are my love and my joy. My heart is yours...keep it, treasure it.

Hi Everyone!

2003-06-12T04:58:00.000Z

Guess who's birthday is coming around the corner? Yup in July yours truly will be 25. WOW!! 25 that's like half of 50! Weird. Sigh! Oh well. Anyways it has been so darn hot lately. I went with my sweetie to Wal-Mart and bought myself a tube top. Never wore one before, I am praying that it doesn't come off and expose my breastesis. (In later news: An 80 car pile up occurred off Expressway 83, while a girl stood without her top on) *back to reality* I doubt that that would happen. I have been going to Diamond Fitness (MIGHT AS WELL!! SINCE THEY ARE STEALING er I MEAN DEBITING MY ACCOUNT) and have been running on that machine-ama-thingamabob. It has a name but for some reason I keep calling it the epileptic machine. Wrong name I know. I need to get fit, I see all these young sexy girls and I'm like...**tear**...look at me...no...don't I'm hideous !! Silly Marian!! I am a very beautiful and cute loving person. I love me! Awwww *cue cheesy inspirational music* *sticks tongue out*
To my sweet love: Thank you for loving me! You are the happiness that I hold so dear in my heart. I am so glad that I met you and that you love me for me. I love it when we talk , share kisses and hug. I love to look into your eyes when you tell me you love me. Gerry, I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!

Hi! Summer is here!

2003-06-02T00:36:00.000Z

How fun! It is 2:19 AM and I am a little sleepy but I know that I have been neglecting this web log so here I am. Here I am updating it. Hmm what do I talk about on this silent evening? *Pauses and places chin on fist in think mode* Well work is great. Unfortunately I am in weird mode, in other words, I have piles of papers on my desks that I cant seem to figure out where I am suppose to file them. Really, it is not that hard but I keep staring at the papers and my mind goes blank, I mean I completely zone out. It's like these papers have weird paranormal powers over me. Then again, it doesn't help that I am now in a 3 sided box, er I mean cubicle. The other day I was choking, (sigh) no one cared. I survived. (Here I am stating the obvious). I must say that my love life is very good. I want to thank my boyfriend for being such a wonderful person. For being someone that truly cares and loves me. *BIG HUG and Kiss on check* such a sweetie!! Ummm what else what else to talk about? I am at a lost of words, my brain is too tired to type. I mean my fingers, ewwwwwwww imagine my brain with little hands typing at the computer. My brother would yell at me cause the blood from the brain would be dripping on the computer and desk; making this huge mess. Okay psycho/sick humor moment forgive me. Okay everyone I will talk with you later, when my brain cooperates with me better. Oh and to my sweet sweet Angel...... I LOVE YOU!! QEOUW!

Hello to everyone.

2003-05-25T02:38:00.000Z

How are we feeling? As for me, I am happy. (15-minute blank interlude) Sorry about that blank interlude but I had to step away from the computer and have now momentarily forgotten what it was that I was suppose to talk/write about. (Thinking...randomly comes up with something to talk about)
I love the summer! Well I prefer the winter and in fact cannot wait until the winter comes so that I can snuggle with my sweetie. I snuggle/cuddle with him already but it is just something about the winter that would just seem perfect. The two of us would sit and snuggle together; his arms wrapped tightly around me. Then his mom would make this good hot chocolate and we would sip it ever so slowly so as not to burn our tongues. GIGGLE. Seriously, I cannot wait. Oh, how I love to be held by my sweetie (I am closing my eyes as I am typing this for I am remembering the way it feels), love the way he holds me in his arms and kisses the back of my neck. When he does this, I cannot help but turn my head towards him. I begin to giggle and sigh because he has these adorably long lashes and beautiful dark brown eyes and I think that they are the cutest in the world. Memorial Day is coming up and I want nothing but to be at my sweetie’s place and just relax and watch TV and cuddle. If I could, I would love to just sleep in his arms and not worry about life’s little troubles. Little troubles like work, money, bills, and car problems and so on. I love you sweetie…love, your baby. Qeouw!

First things first

2003-05-13T23:43:00.000Z

Go and visit my brother's website. Located at JoshuaJ Online, a funny website based on the joys of life and having fun. It is so exciting that summer is finally here, well not officially but it’s pretty darn close. I have this craving to go to the beach and bum around with my sweetie. I haven't been sleeping lately. It's like my body is tired but yet my mind is wired. Right now, it is 3:00 AM in the morning. Why can't I sleep!?! Haven't really been up to much either. My pattern has been Work, Love, and Sleep. *Breathy Sigh* Now that school is done with this semester, I will focus more on this webpage. However, I just signed up with Tripod so hopefully I will have a better website. I will try to go to sleep but I may just end up cleaning my room or surfing the web for some more hours. Yesterday I went to sleep at 6:30 AM and woke up at 7:00. I could still function as normal but would eventually “growl" at people. People skills where are my people skills? Sleep...where? No... "Over there and there" But not here.... Ok... I love you sweetie...Silly Baby.

It's finally here!!

2003-04-30T04:41:00.000Z

The end of spring semester. To be honest I don't know if I am going to pass. I have really had a bad case of Senioritis. *Sigh* Work is great! Sorry that I haven’t maintained this site very well but I have been quite busy. Having fun...*blush* and worrying about school. Went to San Antonio *Qeouw* and had such a wonderful time. Meet my counterparts and enjoyed their company. While we were there we joined them and saw a really cool comedian show. Of course only 2 of them were funny the rest really sucked at doing comedy. I wish I had brought a camera it would have been great to have some lasting memories that I could see and cherish. I have them in my head but to have something physical in my hand is so much better. My heart feels so light, my breath becomes slow and shallow, my eyes widen and my lips slowly part into a smile, not one that is found in school pictures but rather one that is soft and slightly opened. One that tells the world that I am happy and that I am in love. I love you and you love me. Always.

Listening to: Madonna - American Life

2003-04-14T04:52:00.000Z

Wearing: Orange American Eagle T-shirt *wink*, Tommy Hilfiger Dark Blue Jean shorts, White Puka necklace *wink*, and diamond/ruby tiny earrings.
Mood: Slightly cranky *cuz I'm hungry*
Just finished playing on my Nintendo 64 that I bought, I really suck at it but I will get better eventually. I had to quit cuz my hunger is making me feel weak. My dad is making eggs and bacon after I finish here I am going to go help. School is almost done...*aaaaaaaaaaah* still hanging in there!
*crosses fingers, toes, and legs* <--- not like they're all wide open...HA HA HA. Sorry couldn't resist my corny joke. Aaack I don’t feel good *so damn hungry* I love you. QEOUW Smile cause I know I am!

Believe me I know that this stuff about the war is going on.

2003-03-28T05:51:00.000Z

I do not want to mention that stuff here. Here is a place for only good thoughts. Have you ever felt paranoid? This is my last semester and I feel so afraid. I mean I'm studying but I have 2 papers due, and its so hard. I can do it. Well that is enough of that crap. Hey everyone! How is everyone? Good I hope. As usual, I am great. *giggle* been thinking about getting a tattoo. Of course, it won’t be nothing weird, just something small and cute. I was thinking of either the Chinese symbol "Energy" to represent my natural "high"-perness, a really pretty blue butterfly outlined in black, the symbol for Cancer (the zodiac sign), or a medieval fairy holding a crystal ball and in the crystal ball would be the Japanese sign for happiness. Of course, I would put it somewhere that would be easy to cover up. *sigh* I saw Julie at HEB tonight! I am also going to get contacts but have not been able to go to the eye doctor. Of course, it would help if I had money. I am wondering if I can use my mom's insurance to go to the eye doctor. *qeouw* well I do not have much to say. Only that I am content and I think that is the important part. *sitting here smiling and thinking of you* *qeouw*

Flowers in the Attic

2003-03-22T05:50:00.000Z

I have just finished reading one of the most interesting books I have ever read in the longest time. It is this wonderful book rightly titled Flowers in the Attic written by V.C. Andrews. You should go out and by that book and actually read it. Not skim the page but take all of it in swallowing each word as if though it were delicate food. I thank you *qeouw* for such a beautiful and thoughtful gift. I sit here smiling to myself knowing that I am happy. I truly believe that it would take a mean cruel slap to take the happy smile that has been pasted upon my lips, for I am so happy. So happy that I want to stand on the roof of my house and yell out how good I truly feel inside. I use to ache inside and feel bitter about life. How I hated myself many a time. I thank you all who have put up with my melancholic ways. Please forgive me if this entry is awkward. It is late and I need to sleep. I want to dream of my happiness and long for my happiness. LOVE YOU SO MUCH *Qeouw* *giggle*

Completely Blank

2003-03-14T05:48:00.000Z

*sigh* Why is it that I can pour my thoughts out here on this journal page but when it comes to stuff for school my head goes completely blank? Today's weather is perfect for the beach! AAAACk! Unfortunately, I have to work. On Friday (tomorrow or today depending on when you read this), we plan to go to the Island. I think we will have so much fun. I wish I could have taken Spring Break week off but it is okay. I have been thinking about saving up money and going somewhere cool this summer. My first priority right now though is to graduate, as soon as that is done and over with I know that I will finally be able to breathe. Silly me, the other day while going to work, my car died because *mumbles this part under her breathe* I did not fill it up with gas *normal voice* so it just completely stopped in the middle of the road. The funny part was that there was this suburban behind me kind of doing the hand gesture for me to move. So there I am making gestures in the mirror as well like "I can't". Thank God, I did not do any certain 1-finger gestures or I would have been in trouble. It was the Vice President of the Bank, Mr. Casanova! He actually got down from his vehicle and helped push the car to the side of the road. That was nice. Okay…blah blah blah... back to trying to write out my reports. Smile! Because I know, I am! Love you (QEOUW)! *giggle*

That Warm Feeling

2003-03-04T05:47:00.000Z

Ever get that warm feeling like when someone gives you a hug and it makes you feel all tingly all over your body? I have been getting that feeling lately and it makes me smile. I cannot stop smiling! I feel like I am going to burst out laughing and singing silly songs. No, I am not on crack! I do not have much to say only that I feel blissful. I am so happy, I cannot stop giggling...Love you Marian

Hi... It has been quite a while.

2003-02-24T05:46:00.000Z

I am looking out my brother's bedroom window. The sun is shining and it looks beautiful outside. The sunlight is reflecting off the glistening cars in my driveway and the trees are swaying slowly to the wind. Charro days is coming and I have decided to keep myself occupied, by helping decorate IBC's float, so that has kept me pretty busy these past few weeks. In addition, I have hung out with some of my girlfriends, just gone to some nice dinners and talking about shit. Well not physical shit.. just nonsense. It seems that I have become a workaholic. I guess I am this because I have realized that work comforts me. I get lost in the paperwork and I do not have to deal with other things. Smile… I know I am.

Here is a poem for all you lovely people:

2003-02-09T05:45:00.000Z

I'm jumping on a cloud
laying on a breeze
I'm laughing outloud
my heart isn't in a freeze
My frown is upside down
My head wears a golden crown
Music plays within my head
I no longer want to lay in bed
I want to run and run
and lay on the beach in the hot glistening sun
And dance each and every night
no longer filled with fright
I smile a huge smile
My eyes laugh outloud
cuz here I am...
standing on a cloud.

--Marian

Desire

2003-02-02T05:43:00.000Z

I smiled because I know of you
I smile because I think of you
of thoughts of times when smiles were warm and sweet
and of the hour of the moment when we first meet.

Change has made us grow
but its you that I want to know
of your dreams and hopes and stories aspire
these moments of desire.

Smiling with the pupil of my eye
feeling joy within this heart of my
longing soul, waiting and earning
the love inside me forever burning.

--Marian